I have spent one...maybe two weeks completely tangled in grief. Why? Accepting a terminal diagnosis proved easier than knowing how to live with it every day for weeks, months, maybe years. After the intensity of initial treatment and I finally began to physically feel better, daily life stretched out into...nothing. My mood sunk. The word, the concept, the reality of "death" wouldn't leave my mind, I couldn't shake it. Isolation and doom sat on me like a heavy stone. How do I LIVE my final year(s)? Why can't someone live and laugh and adventure with me until it is over? It is terrifying walking alone in my shattered reality, heading toward the unimaginable. I have never felt so upended, helpless or alone. No fundraisers or plucky survivor photos, Stage Four is too frightening and hopeless for everyone, even the ACS.
My daughter has been an inspiration in helping me to focus on stretching the midpoint, rather than jumping to "the end". She begged me not to accept death so readily, to be more positive, to "endure" the cancer with intention for a long life. To her credit she did not insist that I deny or pretend, only that I am present and positive. This is excellent advice that most certainly will produce a happy and more long(ish) life. I am thankful for my daughter's ability to articulate her fears and speak to me honestly. Of course I committed to becoming more present and "alive" for both of us. My work began immediately relearning how to live a joyous life, while dancing arm in arm with cancer.
Here's the task list so far:
1) Rode a bike!
2) Talk openly with friends and family about my grief
2) Listen openly to suggestions
3) Say "yes" to friends inviting me out
4) Research options for Yoga practice
5) Research cancer support groups
6) Keep a gratitude journal
7) Recite daily a positive mantra accepting the cancer as part of my life and body
8) Making plans for getaway vacations
9) Return to meditation practice and retreats
10) Plans to team with my daughter on a writing project
11) List of museums and events to attend this summer
12) Book List: impermanence, honoring the sacred, gratitude
13) Volunteer at Gilda's Club
My daughter has been an inspiration in helping me to focus on stretching the midpoint, rather than jumping to "the end". She begged me not to accept death so readily, to be more positive, to "endure" the cancer with intention for a long life. To her credit she did not insist that I deny or pretend, only that I am present and positive. This is excellent advice that most certainly will produce a happy and more long(ish) life. I am thankful for my daughter's ability to articulate her fears and speak to me honestly. Of course I committed to becoming more present and "alive" for both of us. My work began immediately relearning how to live a joyous life, while dancing arm in arm with cancer.
Here's the task list so far:
1) Rode a bike!
2) Talk openly with friends and family about my grief
2) Listen openly to suggestions
3) Say "yes" to friends inviting me out
4) Research options for Yoga practice
5) Research cancer support groups
6) Keep a gratitude journal
7) Recite daily a positive mantra accepting the cancer as part of my life and body
8) Making plans for getaway vacations
9) Return to meditation practice and retreats
10) Plans to team with my daughter on a writing project
11) List of museums and events to attend this summer
12) Book List: impermanence, honoring the sacred, gratitude
13) Volunteer at Gilda's Club