As you know I am no longer taking visitors, just simple electronic goodbyes. I live with family; my needs are all met, my day’s quiet space, peaceful interactions, books and music. I seem to decline each day but the path is uncertain, as a family we just adjust, maybe a week, maybe months? All ok, all accepted seamlessly.
Inside, I am so very calm, it amazes me! For some reason I do not have fear. When, how, where will I go, what will happen…don’t enter. I am totally content with the dying process, simply trusting death as one of the most certain and sacred passages. Honestly, I can’t cobble together a “why me” story. As my mind floats and connects all I can find is gratitude. As I lose physical and cognitive function my heart grows for those who live a lifetime with these struggles. Me, what a gift, always strong, coordinated in body and mind, never understanding how fortunate I was. Gifts! My life has been rich and full, easy, alive. Absolutely no regrets are possible; I gladly grant others my “robbed” years to help find their opportunity to open into this space.
Nothing is pulling me forward either. No rush for heaven, ultimate love, seeing loved ones. I simply trust and don’t feel a need to “know”, no reward or escape planning. Instead, I experience a peaceful float, gently rocking with insights and loving connections, slowly making my way to the other side.
Maybe the hardest thing is for all of us to accept is the physical loss. My tears are fewer now, but the grief of letting go stays close to my heart, especially letting go of my kids, this continues to hurt, but of course it does. We accept the tears when they come, but mostly the kids are moving with me in a beautiful, accepting and grateful way.
I am hoping with this update that you too will find a way to hold me in your heart space forever, to laugh and share, to carry our words and time together forward. I know I am asking you to do this alone with no rushing in, but ultimately that is the task. Moving toward eternity, to carry loved ones forward in your heart and choices, forever changed, spreading the love and connections back through the world.
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other"
doesn't make any sense.