Heavenly...YES!  Hospice... no, not yet.
This lovely space is my new place to convalesce. The sunny peaceful rooms and welcoming kitchen are AWESOME!  
I have room for friends to visit, cook dinner, even spend the night. When I am ill visitors can be more frequent and resident, the space accommodates the care taking process gracefully. Not only this, but the house is 2 blocks from Lake Nokomis and 1 block from Minnehaha Creek and Parkway. Spring and Summer will be MAGNIFICENT here, so I plan to stick around and enjoy it!

This incredible end of life miracle is possible due to the generosity of an angel friend who has allowed me to rent this space for "a song". 


UPDATE: I have been very sick for over a week, struggling to breathe and spiking daily low grade fevers. Treatment for pneumonia did not resolve the problem so I was temporarily removed from the study drug (lung inflammation is a side effect). My symptoms have not cleared but I am much improved. My energy is the best in 2 months and I'm eating like a horse (no nausea). I have started a second round of antibiotics, hoping this will clear the fever and remaining shortness of breath. I am scheduled to resume the study drug on Monday. My drug dose will be reduced with hope that the side effects will remit. If not, I will request another dose reduction. It is possible that I simply cannot tolerate this drug. Looking forward I have begun to investigate other treatment options (there are a few) or the possibility of using Tarceva or CO-1686 as palliative chemo, slowing the cancer while in hospice. If there are no treatment options, or if treatment side effects remove quality of life, my care gets transferred to hospice. My plan is to stay in this Heavenly Hospice home until my condition gets medically serious, at that point I will transfer to North Memorial Residential Hospice.


*My contact address has been updated



BOOK CLUB -  February selections are "Shantaram", "My Notorious Life" and "An Unnecessary Woman". We communicate online using a private Facebook group. If you would like to join or stalk, send me an email at colleenamccann@gmail.com

Good News, recent scans show my cancer tumors have shrunk by over 50%. My trial drug, CO-1686 is working and median progression free survival (PFS) is estimated at 1 year. 

Bad News, I have been in bed with pneumonia for 4 days. I continue to struggle for breath and with elevated temperatures. I am feeling near to death at times, I can see fear in the faces around me, but doctors say "no problem" this is curable.

The Ugly, is perhaps a dark mood since I am hovering here at the edge of extinction, gasping for breath...but I worry about that year. A year is not guaranteed, it is only a median number from a fairly small sample size, so lets say months. I would absolutely  love to see the Spring and Summer, even next Christmas. What darkens my hope is seeing it through the poor quality of life I have experienced during my 2 months on this drug. I feel ill and fatigued most of the time, my symptoms are so unpredictable I can't commit to travel or events. Based on current weight loss (3 lbs per month) I would be 86 lbs next Christmas. Not desirable. Maybe symptoms will remit and stabilize, I will hope for this. If not, I will request a reduction in medication, which is correlated with reduction in PFS. Choosing better quality of life over length of life. Some may say I am "not fighting" but I don't agree. Fighting for days without quality of life, when I have had so many, doesn't make sense to me. 

What I have noticed, been amazed at, is how there is a letting go when quality of life is poor. The instinct seems to stretch beyond personal will to an ancient place. Perhaps a frightening, or beautiful, place that tells you to lay down and finally rest.

Jim discovered a folder of my old poetry, mostly written before we married. I was delighted and thought I would share.

This picture is of "Moms" whom I lived with in a very roughly made house on stilts, during my Peace Corps stint in Costa Rica. The poem "Vine Don't Need No Quarter" is written in her voice. Moms came from Barbados and spoke a broken English Patois. She never said these words, but I don't think she would have disagreed.

The second poem "Eternal Rose" was written for my friend Donna who was viciously attacked by her ex-husband. She refused to die, instead she thrived, she continues to spread infectious smiles and joy.

VINE DON'T NEED NO QUARTER (Oct. 1987)
"Listen to me girl. Once womans didn't chase no quarter like an ol organ monkey. Men is such silly things, an you modern womans got yo'selves wound round 'em, every which way. Schoolin, playin, romancin, workin. Give dat struggle a rest. Look at yo head, look like an 'ol hounds nose. Mens is different and you gots to leave 'em as such. Why you want him to think inta your head, and finga your soul? You breakin up God's plan, and swallowin dat man whole. No wonders you got de rotten stomach. Woman meant ta be strong, de vine dat hold it own. You gone crazy chasen da leaf, forgettin you de vine. Hang tight to dem chillens, grow thich and push up. You pull you man up too. Vine don't need no quarter."

ETERNAL ROSE (September 1988)
Amazon woman
more handsome than brave
your dusty armor
carcass of battles lost
orphans a loving spirit, weaned
from girlish laughter
and penny dreams

Life bellows, rams
and charges
uncalled
unyielding
Drawing maiden bow
and arrow true.

Eternal Rose

Woman born
Warrior made
thorned for battle
grown for love