Dinner at Portland City Grill with a great view of our beautiful city, and my beautiful man.
Grabbing precious moments, still feeling so ALIVE. Lunch with Craig B and Suzie. Laughing!
Dinner at Portland City Grill with a great view of our beautiful city, and my beautiful man. I haven't been able to cry "why me". Most anyone who knows me, knows that I have had the fortune of LIVING a wild and precious life. I have adventured, studied, succeeded, I am supported by relationships that are many and deep, my love (Craig) is a true heart companion, and my children are incredible human beings whom I admire. How? Certainly luck and seeking my true heart. My life has been an ongoing awakening, learning to live with an open, tender heart. Coming from a fortress built on judgment and anger, this is an incredible journey. I can't tell you how true it feels that "We are all one", given your circumstance, I would stand exactly in your shoes. So I claimed my Wild and Precious Life, how could I feel cheated? I actually feel almost guilty. Some people live very long lifetimes and barely peek out the window of their "fortress", while I have been dancing in the meadow. CELEBRATING an incredible partnership and life together. COMMISERATING over test results that show cancer in several places. Our lives are changing quickly. We got home from testing at noon, call from the MD, and went back to OHSU for a biopsy. We also put into motion plans for a possible return to MN for treatment (Thanks DeEtte). We ended our day at Hubers (selfie above) one of our favorite Portland "haunts". It was a big day, I had TWO Spanish Coffees, but the smile is all my own (no alcohol on board at that point). Morning spent at OHSU hospital completing tests. Bone Scan is left, then more waiting for results and treatment options. We are both tired.
I return to work on Monday and Craig heads to Washington. Sometimes it feels like living two lives. Reducing or ending my PTR clinic hours will be good, but a difficult transition to go through with clients. Lots of hearts breaking in all directions. When I was diagnosed in 2004, internally I became focused on two critically important questions, 1) How do I face possible death? and 2) How does this experience become "the best thing that ever happened to me". 1) I found it difficult to discuss "death" with friends, I always got back things like "you'll beat it", "I'm sending prayers", no one could open the door and go there with me. But I strongly felt that if I didn't know how to die, I couldn't really live. I went to a therapist with the specific goal of talking about death, but she couldn't do it. Finally, I landed in the library of Pathways Center for Health Crisis. My answer lay in two books, "Heading Toward Omega" and "Health As A Realization of Consciousness". I guess for me, answers frequently come from books. I was also a budding meditator and fascinated with maintaining mindfulness of my true experience. Buddhism and Insight Meditation were very helpful in helping me get closer to the concept of Impermanence in a very different and logical way. 2) The first cancer support group I attended at University of MN Hospital took me a long way. As I listened to woman after woman tell victim and loss stories, some over 10 years cancer free, my immediate thought was "not for me". I had to LIVE this experience as another wonder of LIFE. My cancer experience made me so incredibly sensitive to LIFE all around me, I would weep at simple beauty. I pledged to my self that I would use this experience to forever hold a reverence for LIFE very close to my heart. I promised myself that I would always feel deeply and not get lost in the noisy distractions of our consumer competitive money me-fixated world. Your would have to ask Craig or my friends, but I think I have kept this promise. I got good medical care?! We lost Deb to cancer just a little while ago...a year? We all miss Deb, she was instrumental in organizing friends to support my recovery. I never went to an appointment, test or chemo session alone. Thank you Deb, and everyone for the open hearts. Breast Cancer 2004. MY FRIENDS WERE SO SUPPORTIVE and we really had fun! I do remember getting scolded for laughing too much in the chemo suite. This is a picture from one of my chemotherapy sessions. I don't know where Ruth lifted the lab coat but she looks pretty official. In the picture: Kim, Carol, Lorena, Deb and Ruth. Big day today, getting the crappy news of cancer. Both Craig and I have cried plenty of tears. We are also working together to make plans for moving forward, ensuring life stays sweet, regardless of outcome. Craig is a tremendous support for me, I am so blessed to have him in my life. I will continue with work, ramping down, until all of the testing is in and we have a clearer idea of direction. Thank you for the outpouring of support. We are doing well, we had a hunch this was coming, so we talked it through before today. |
Colleen McCannI have a good life with wonderful friends and family. This blog is meant to keep me in touch with everyone. Archives
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