I have been been gifted with more time, maybe a year, before cancer grabs control and forces me into the endgame.
I should be delighted ...but instead I cry. Living a year in this place makes change a painful necessity. The day to day rhythm that was "my life" no longer feels relevant.
Social interaction, from the dying perspective, seems mostly "meaningless", "forced" and "unnecessary". Buddhism teaches "right speech", "right action", "right livelihood" as a path toward the end of suffering. I feel as if this cancer has sent me, chutes and ladders fast, directly to the lived experience of those Buddhist teachings. Cool! Very grounded, awake, authentic and... alone.
I no longer can live an unquestioned life. I am always dying, which is inescapable and disaffecting. I am losing the obligation to engage in "friendly" conversation... I more likely look out the window and lapse into silence. I find myself migrating toward my own Walden Pond. I prefer a slower and quieter life that feels more alive and relevant. I treasure those who speak with authenticity, the small brilliant beauty that is alive in nature, and how the Arts can open us intentionally to this deep sweet place. I have become a person who is perhaps only alive in that very deep, close to the bone, place. This is where I choose to live the year that has been gifted to me.