I have not yet switched my care from "treatment" to "hospice / palliative care". Reason; I was offered weekly chemo to possibly slow the cancer down (maybe by 2 months) with the added hitch of "no side effects". I offered this option up to Jim and the kids and they unanimously voted for me to give it a try. Logically, I agree, but energetically hospice sounds better. Still, hospice remains a choice that is available to me each and every day, so no constraints. I have completed 2 of the chemo treatments (side effects aren't too bad) and I have 2 more treatments ahead of me before we determine if they are helping. If they help, I will continue, if not, I will switch care to hospice.
Overall, I experience small losses most days. My left eye is mostly blind and my right weakened by the radiation, this makes reading and spacial orientation more difficult. Steroids are bulking me up, even though I feel nauseous when I eat?! My energy is very low, which is why I haven't blogged. Most impactful, I now struggle more and more for breath.
Most days I move from bed to recliner, back to bed. I read a lot and have begun to listen to books on-line. Jim and Brigit care for me every day, and a group of close friends check in and help too. I still get out occasionally, extended events are tough, but I enjoy a dinner or movie at times.
Time moves more slowly now, stretching out into what feels like a virtual pause button. It's like waiting for a train or airplane to arrive, nothing wrong or upsetting, just passing the time, no where to go, nothing to do, until it's all of a sudden time to jump on. Joy is measured in smaller moments...a fresh breeze, dog snuggles, changing leaves, a painless night's sleep, sweet conversational connections.